The Problem with Denial is Denial.

Noun -Denial:

• The failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism. 

I'm not sure when I became a master at this defense mechanism or why. It must have been very early in my life. When my mother suddenly died when I was 10 I had already learned how to subconsciously clothed myself in denial. That day I was sent to a neighbor's house while the ambulance carried my mother away. I played that day as if nothing had happened and didn't grieve over her loss until I was 26. I have since lost others who have been close to me and called myself a survivor after each one. Looking back over my life denial also kept me from confronting problems until they were so insurmountable they couldn't be ignored. Swift judgement would then be cast and carried out. Always surviving, so I thought.

I didn't realize my insensitivity to subtleties of a problem or my disconnect in a relationship when they were evident was the work of denial in my life. A white washing in order to not face another disappointment. Thinking that I was being generous to let people work through their issues on their own. Later I would kick myself for not being more 'present' and aware. For not being fearless to take the chance to talk through things and hopefully salvage what good was still there. I was fearless in many other areas of my life. Why not when it came to issues of my heart?

You'd think with maturity, experience and wisdom an understanding of the importance of paying attention to subtle warning signs would be acknowledged. But the problem with denial is itself DENIAL.

There's a hope when you enter a relationship. A hope that the words spoken to each other will hold up over time. That lust, passion, desire, respect and eventually love will keep hearts honest and communication open. But that is how I look at things when a foundation is being formed. Denial comes into play when the other person doesn't see things or operate according to my way of thinking. Denial sweeps away the feeling that emotions are shifting, desire is changing and denial says they are just having an off day. Give them some space. Because if things weren't working they'd tell me right? Because they want this to work also right? Because that's what I would do. Right?

Denial! A light has been cast into your dark abode! I do not have the full comprehension of how deep your tentacles have rooted in my soul.  But hear me now. I am fearless and my face has been turned towards you.

Our Lives are Written on Our Soul.

~Vista~

To All the Daddies...Happy Father's Day!

Fathers: Always remember that many eyes are following you as you move throughout your day.

Your sons are learning how you handle adversity.
Your daughters are learning how you touch the one you love.
Your sons are learning how you use your voice when instructing.
Your daughters are learning how you use your voice within your emotions.
Your sons are learning that you follow through on your commitments.
Your daughters are learning about trust and honor.
Your sons are learning about humility and strength.
Your daughters are learning they can conquer anything when self worth is validated.
Your sons are learning how to walk with the one they love.
Your daughters are learning from you the rhythm of that walk.

Happy Father's Day.

xxoo ~ Vista

~Vista~

That Demon...Sexual Chemistry!

Pheromones: A Chemical substance produced and released into the environment by an animal, especially a mammal or an insect, affecting the behavior or physiology of others of its species.

There are four types of chemistry: Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual. How great it would be to experience all four with someone. But rare and unlikely. My top three would be Physical, Mental and Emotional. My top two: Mental and Emotional. Yes...I left out Physical because I have found when the physical isn't there in the beginning but the mental and emotional are there the physical will follow as the relationship deepens.

In my younger years physical chemistry was all that mattered. A case in point is the father of my three children. The chemistry was off the charts and still lingers between us when we are in the same room after 35 years. But the physical chemistry was not enough to hold together a doomed marriage when nothing else clicked between us. Six years was long enough to have three beautiful babies. I still believe our bodies just knew they were to procreate together! ;)

It took maturity on my part to understand the importance for me of Mental and Emotional chemistry. A lesson and truth I didn't fully understand until I met NB. My ex sub. We had been talking on the phone for almost six weeks before we finally met face to face. Yes we had exchanged pictures but at that first meeting he was not someone I would have been immediately attracted to. He is a big man 6'4" and a bit overweight. He overpowered me in his stature when I stood next to him. If I had met him for the first time in that bar without knowing who he was deep inside I would not have given him much thought. But as big as he was on the outside he was even bigger as a man on the inside and that was the powerful magnetic force that pulled me towards him. The Mental and Emotional chemistry. Over time the Physical and Spiritual chemistry emerged. He was beautiful to me in every way. He'll always live in my heart.

Chemistry is that magic in the air and unmistakable euphoric feeling that washes over you when the object of your affection is in your presence or even your thoughts. You have an overwhelming desire to be close to them, touch them, kiss them...hell, devour them! Sometimes it starts out slow as the relationship develops, but more often it's an instant feeling that makes you dizzy and disrupts the neurotransmitters in your brain! It's more lethal than passion and more powerful than lust. You connect with an the energy matching yours and sexual endorphins are released. What's hard is when you are feeling that connection and the other person does not. I've been on both sides of that coin and neither is welcomed. It happens...hence why I call it a demon! It has a mind of its own with little consideration of what you are looking for!

As I journey through life connection and chemistry remain an important deciding factor on whether further investment of my time will be spent. How I wish I could bend the will of that demon chemistry! Experience has proven physical chemistry alone is fickle and not enough. Out of the four I have learned to trust the Mental and Emotional connection. They seem to be the more stable out of the four! But what do I know! I'm still searching.  ::Smile::

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/118164840579/romancelovelust-rising-from-skin-coiling-ink

Answers and Comments on Fantasy and Addiction.

"Oh, rats. I am so sorry. Boys! (Throws hands up in air, shaking his head in futility)."  

This was the first line in the first comment I received. I knew from that point forward I was in for a lovely time of reading thoughts and explanations from my male followers. I will add tidbits from some of what they shared, because their words are real, enlightening and powerful. Just as they are. ;)

I will also add that I realize there are people that suffer from sexual addictions and I'm not here to shame or diminish their battle. Addictions are about compulsive behaviors that can take over your life affecting better judgement no matter what the cost to you or those around you. I understand that. The questions I put to my male followers were about finding and being reassured that there are men who are part of an online community who can walk the line between Kink and Vanilla and live a balanced life. Enjoying the rewards of both. There are many and with that knowledge I happily move forward.

And me? I'm good! Yes, I think about the boy but with very kind and loving thoughts hoping nothing but the very best for him and his life. And when that door abruptly closed another two days later opened up here locally and well...you'll have to wait to see how that plays out. ::wink::

The Answers and Comments:

1. Am I only a fantasy to you? For many I know that's true. And I'm 'ok' with that. But if you had the chance for more would you take it?

** "You are not a fantasy, which would be something entirely of my own creation. You are a real live person. ...I recognize that it is a fantasy to imagine that you saw photographs of me and within a week I was re-creating those photographs for you in person.....You are a real person who realizes that not all that we want can join us in reality and needs must remain a fantasy..."

** "Long answer: no. But I do like to fantasize about being with you but I know the difference between fantasy and reality. I like my fantasies about you and I like my reality with you; both are cool."

** "Of course I read your writings because they touch on my fantasies and enter a very lonely place where they help me to come to terms with myself. Would I take a chance on more if it was possible? Why on earth not?"


2. Is sex an addiction for you? Or have you found a balance to enjoy what you desire and still live a responsible life?

** "No, I wouldn't say I was addicted to sex. It has a place, and that place is hot but it doesn't compel me to do anything I would regret."

** "No. But I know the feeling. There have been times when I was horny as hell that I would find myself really distracted by sexy thoughts and willing to take a lot of risks to get satisfaction. ...Balancing our public image with our wild sexual nature takes a lot of time. "

** "Sex is not an addiction to me in the sense that I'm a fully-rounded person with interests, beliefs, commitments, work, pastimes and rich memories and I amount to much more than my Eros. On the other hand, sex is an important part of my waking and dreaming life and once gone, I would feel enormously impoverished."

I'll close in saying I love my life and the choices I have made along with the people who inhabit my world. Some are for a short season and others continue to gently whisper in my ear along the path. Life is about learning, exploring, embracing and growing. But above all of that...loving; yourself and those who choose to walk with you.

Thank you to all my male and female friends who are walking with me in this exciting journey called life. May you continue to live it openly with those you love, lustfully and honestly!

xxoo

~Vista~

And Then He Was Gone. Boy Update.

At 11:30 am his text came over my phone while I was at my desk working, (excerpt) "...I need to stop talking with you and I can't meet up with you....I have a debilitating addiction to sex and internet porn. And it is only getting exacerbated when I talk to you. It's tearing my life apart.....". He went on to say more, but it's not necessary to share here.

My first reaction was shock and then WTF! I kept shaking my head and wondering how he spun out so quickly. At lunch I kept reading over his text trying to understand this boy I had gotten to know recently. I wondered if we had gone through this process face to face I may have been able to see the signs that he was not able to walk out what he said he wanted. I also saw that he took down his Tumblr account...yes...he was serious about being in trouble and needing help.

Do I want to be the cause of someone's life being torn apart? Hell no. So I'm glad he knows himself well enough that he pulled back and has to reassess his life. Did I have my doubts that we would ever meet? Yes, but I was hoping to be wrong. Besides being gorgeous he is bright, articulate and sexy as hell! He would engage me in conversation and before I knew it 4 hours would be gone. To be able to do that...sexy. He surprised me and I liked being surprised. Do I wish I could talk to him and help him somehow sort his life out? Yes. But it won't happen. If what he shared is true he needs more than I can offer.

Which brings me to why I even shared the excerpt from his text above. I struggle with the term sexual addiction. My ex NB considered himself addicted and one of the reasons we aren't together is because he was afraid he would lose himself and his mind if he went all in. No matter how many times we talked about it, that I would never let that happen....it never stopped the grip fear had over his soul. Even to this day. We are still friends...but the nagging fear still wraps around him. Paralyzing him.

I struggle with the term not because I don't think it's valid but because I don't have an addictive personality. I'm not able to relate. I love sex, my lifestyle and long to share that with someone incredible again! Maybe it's because the Boy reminded me so much of NB that he drew me in quickly. Their need and hunger...raw and intense....fed me.

So.. I'm putting two questions out there to the men and boys that follow me. Especially those who have contacted me in the past. Some I've developed a sweet and endearing relationship with. And they know who they are. Please answer these questions for me. I'm really curious to hear from you. Either answer me here on the comments section or email me. But please...let's talk!

1. Am I only a fantasy to you? For many I know that's true. And I'm 'ok' with that. But if you had the chance for more would you take it?

2. Is sex an addiction for you? Or have you found a balance to enjoy what you desire and still live a responsible life?

I look forward to hearing from all of you.  ;)

And to the Boy in case he comes this way again and reads this....:  I truly hope you find strength, peace and balance to your life. You're a beautiful soul and I enjoyed our very brief time together. Your vulnerability and raw honesty was refreshing. Will I miss you? Yes... I already do.  ;)

~ Vista

Finding Shelter in the Shadows.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/99345424034

When I think of shadows I think of someone being guarded from the light. From the heat of discovery...but yet feeling the indirect warmth of the sun against his human form. Not quite hidden. There are small parts of the body visible, but only a trained eye could make it out. He feels safe there in the shadows, but also somehow involved in the activity he seeks. Vicariously he lives through his imagination, projecting himself into a reality of what is before him. Soon the watching isn't enough and vocally he makes himself known. Inch by inch he moves slowly into the light. He's encouraged by a hand reaching out to him, offering assistance and direction.

He's lived so long with his fantasies that the light of exposure to his nature unmasked to another is frightening. Some find the compatible guide for their need and a journey begins of self discovery and acceptance. Some never find that guide. Others rarely leave the shelter of the shadows. The existence of the later group is lonely and their true identity hidden from the world. Those are the ones who put themselves in danger because they become a victim to the need and desire that continues to build until they rush out of the shadows with reckless abandon looking for any fix; at whatever cost. Later with head hanging down and soul empty they crawl back into the shadows. Any satisfaction dissipates quickly as once again humiliation and disgust settles in with the reality that they have placed themselves in danger for what they consider a base need. When the sun starts to set, the temperature in the shadows drops farther then it does for the rest of the world. So it seems. Isolated, cold and alone they swear never again to risk exposure. But their history knows better. There will be another time.

Some call these marks of life the traits of addiction. In this case sexual addiction. Is there really such a thing? Could the truth possibly be that not all people fit into what society calls the social norm? And that while trying to 'Fit In' they lose themselves? They already feel an outsider and fear keeps them from risking more rejection in seeking those who would accept them. Is this why the shadows are more desirable than speaking and discovering truths? More desirable than seeking those in their lives that would give them a secure place to dwell in the sun light? Is this not what a healthy life is about? To seek those who will say, "I accept all that you are and you are welcome here" ? Is that not the premise of an alternative lifestyle? And why do we even need an alternative? Who has defined 'normal'?

Communication without judgement, listening and hearing others; that to me is the sunlight. Openness, acceptance, wisdom, learning and the understanding of why we are the way we are; these are the true treasures of wealth. Finding a place to live a life full of the true expression of who lives within us. This kind of freedom releases creativity and brilliance because the whole person has emerged. Is that not a desire common among mankind? And if it isn't? Why isn't it?

Some say it is brave to think and live that way. I say life is too short to not live your own life. If you don't discover and live the fullness of who you are, who will? The world is waiting for YOU to show up. With all your beautiful flaws and uniqueness. Not a carbon copy of others. But YOU. Let's be brave together. Let us help each other out of the shadows.

Comfort ~ Acceptance ~ Wholeness

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/99914209529/after-his-release-his-head-finds-its-home-resting

The Surrender of your Strength

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/99237645704/m-schiavo-di-medusa-voglio-dirti-che-sono-che

The surrender of your strength to me does not mean you are stripped bare of it. It always thrives within you!

Just as you look into my eyes and your soul mixes with mine; your soul has not left you, but has mingled and touched my own. So is it with the strength that is woven throughout your being. As you look at me I see that strength start to rise to the surface. I see it in your eyes, in the way your body starts to move. Even in the way you stand before me. And instead of your strength overpowering me, you stoop down and pour it out as an offering. That gesture feeds me and I can feel the power of your surrender ignite my desire for you even more than it was the moment before. 

I am your resting place. Your mirror. And your perfect storm. You are anchored in my soul. Your surrender keeps me warm. 

The Crack in the Door.....

The door is cracked and I'm seeing the light in the other room. Didn't know I was locked in a shroud of my last relationship. Only able to feel and see what we were made of. My sight blocked by 'what was and had been'. Even in trying to move forward, still unconsciously looking for what I lost. It doesn't work. What I had was wrapped up in him. In us and what we built together. Never again to be found or duplicated. Finally with the door that has been opened all the time before me, my eyes have adjusted and I see the light shining from the other side. My heart finally able to have the motivation to leave behind what was and to look forward, with courage, to explore again what 'might be'. No preconceived ideas, but an understanding of myself better than I've had before and knowing what I need and want.

Of course, if and when I find that one again he will have a submissive nature wired in the midst of all that masculinity, testosterone and strength. He will love to lay it at my feet to be used at will and for my pleasure. His appetite will be what only I can satisfy. His soul will plead with me to tie him, tease him, fuck him any way I choose. His touch will be gentle when I need it to be and his love will be sealed upon me. Above all, he will want me as I am.

I'm greedy and admittedly selfish!  I've tasted how things can be.  I want it all.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/84247641714/medusa24-give-me-your-heart-i-want-your

The Man or the Relationship......

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/86078050119

I have loved men throughout my life. They all, good or bad, played significant parts in my life. In the molding in who I am today. I learned to have patience, to forgive as to not have my own heart become bitter. I have learned to look beyond my own thinking and try to understand the thoughts of another no matter how foreign to my own they may be. I have loved other men. But I was in love with NB.

There is a love that I read about, saw exhibited in others and had come to believe that it was out of reach for me. That I was somehow incapable of experiencing that kind of unconditional love for someone.  From the beginning with NB there was a knowing of each other that couldn't be explained. A sense of having lived in another time together. An understanding of what the other needed without speaking the request. A calm and relaxation between our souls and spirits; a familiarity that spoke to us both. Over the last year of our relationship due to some emotional trauma NB went through, I lost him. First emotionally, then finally physically. We speak now and then, touch base to see how the other is doing. But what once existed between us is now only a memory. I can hear in his voice at times a longing for what we once had, yet an emotional inability to move toward that again.

It's been confusing in sorting out my feelings.  But moving forward has helped and I find my dilemma has been this:  Do I miss the man or the relationship?

As much as I love him still, it's not the same. The man I met almost 3 years ago is no longer there. The man I talk to or receive a text from these days is not the same man. I have come to understand that it's the relationship I miss. Not the man.

I miss the familiarity that comes over time. It's woven through many conversations, shared emotions and experiences of life. Trials, burdens, revealed secrets and joys making up it's fabric. Rituals that naturally arise out of your sexuality with each other. The feeding of your souls and spirits as you are mingled in each other's existence. Being known, accepted, celebrated and loved.

In making my way in the single life I have come to understand that many of the men I have chosen to even consider as a potential partner all have had bits and pieces of what once laid in NB's heart. I realized then why I wasn't making any progress in moving forward. I was trying to restore what I had lost. An impossible task! None one will ever be NB. No one will ever give me what I had with him. It was uniquely ours. But that was a time in the past. Never to be lived again.

I cherish the relationship, and do miss it, but I take with me into the future the knowledge that I have the capability to love. My eyes are open to what and who may lie ahead.  My heart is finally ready to see into another. To experience a new direction and journey. To taste the flavor of another man and let him deep into my soul and learn of his. To no longer be looking to what has been familiar and what I have been missing but to see what I still need to discover in someone new.

To learn of a new touch, a new look and a new way to reach another. To take the time to unfold what lies in him and let another fabric naturally be woven through the exchanges of our lives coming together. To find someone that over time makes me hungry for his taste, his smell and his touch. To once again let the darkness within my soul light up at the sound of his voice as he speaks my name. To know and be known thoroughly again.

Of course I miss the man. The man he once was. But I know now, it's the relationship I had with him, the familiarity that I have missed even more.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/86077763364

Haunted by Your Demons.

    http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/76047483557/msroxanne-mlsg-quality

As the music swirls, warming my mind and the alcohol fills, warming my body, 

I sit and remember when.....

They know me. They know me by name, by smell and by sight. The demons that lie in the dark crevices of your soul.  I try to move on from you, from them and as I think some distance has been accomplished on my part, I feel them tugging at my spirit. Telling me I'll never be happy with another. Telling me I'll always long for your submission, lust and deep desires. 

Is it possible that there is another who I will know intuitively as I did you? You said I had cast a spell on you. That I lived inside your head and knew your deepest desires better than yourself. That I said things and did things so easily, so naturally that reached into parts of you that had never been touched by another. I couldn't explain it. I just knew you. I somehow had knowledge of things no one had told me, yet I knew they were there, woven inside you; affecting you, influencing you and your sexuality. I understood how those desires touched you and sang to you in your sleep. 

They admired me, respected me and listened as I took control of them and made them serve me as I used them to taunt and pleasure you. Then after, I would nurture and sooth you. Proving to you that I and I alone owned you. In that, you owned me also. For I had become addicted to your flesh melting into my own and the look in your eyes that opened wide the widows of your soul. 

Will there be another that will dance with me so effortlessly and share unspoken secrets through our touch? 

I'm haunted by you and your demons that are imprinted on my soul and flesh.  

Shhh ... Don't speak.  I already hear you.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/76007917498/medusa24-oh-yes-i-take-care-of-you

Hello 2014! I'm Glad You're Here!

2013 was a bumpy ride emotionally and full of a long transition.  I knew going into it that it could go either way for NB and myself.  As uncertain as things looked for us at times, I wouldn't change one bump along the road.  These are the journeys that continue to form our character and lives. But I'm so thankful that year is now behind me!

I have somethings forming in my life that are making 2014 look very promising. Too premature to share them with you now, but will share once I know their place along my journey. 2014 will be full of changes. I'm looking at ways to expand and improve on this blog and I'll keep you updated on personal changes along the way.

Some things I learned in 2013:

1. That two people can love each other deeply, openly and yet feel and realize with grace that their journey together has run it's course.

2. That with a thankful heart we can move forward knowing that who we are today and what we potentially have to offer to another was forged in the fire of what we just walked out of.  I'd not change one thing.

3. That although it seems our heart could never open or want another, that there is someone waiting just for us around the corner. Someone we never knew existed who possesses qualities we never understood we needed.

4. Life has a way of presenting us magic at any age.

May all of our lives this 2014 be filled with the surprise of magic!

~ Vista

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/71556400390/haughtyspirit-always

A Warrior's Heart

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/71539585799/mistresseva-eroticaandmore-rose-red-by-dan

"One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying."  ~ Joan of Arc

Since childhood I've admired Joan of Arc. I have always admired her strength, resolve and absolute confidence in who she was and what she was place here on earth to do.  And to have such insight, wisdom and confidence at such a young age... her life spoke volumes to me. I related to her more as I matured as a woman and resolved in my own heart to know the authentic 'me' and not who people and society kept telling me I should be.  This resolve has carried me through my life and has served me well.

As I step into 2014, single and uncertain of the road ahead of me, I have taken the time to listen to that voice deep inside and remind myself of the warrior who lives there. This lifestyle I've chosen fits the warrior inside me well.  It's about freedom to be and explore who you are and join those who are like minded.

I've felt the heart beat of a warrior since a child.  Maybe that is part of my dominant nature, don't know for sure. But it is a part of me. It shows itself in many ways, but mainly can be seen where integrity, clarity and honesty live.

My hope for all of you who follow this blog is that 2014 brings even more clarity and wonder in the exploration of who you are and that more people will be drawn to the beauty that lives inside you.

I'm excited about the coming year. Have courage for the things and people still yet to appear in your life.

~ Vista

Silencing Their Demons....

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/68758168394/i-love-this-so-much

The picture...the quote...all of it grabs at me! This to me is the D/s relationship I thrive on! There were many aspects to NB and my relationship, but the greatest joy was in staring down his demons. He walked most of his life living in a secret. Outwardly showing the world the bigger than life alpha male and being very successful at it, while in solitary moments being tormented by the demons that would shout out his lies and folly. The few times he tried to explain to a love one his struggles and deep desires he was ridiculed, mocked and sent to a therapist to get 'fixed'.  Then our paths crossed.

He immediately felt relaxed and like a thirsty dying man finding an oasis, he settled in my presence and slowly poured out his grief. As each tormenting spirit would raise it's head thinking to meet with the past ridicule, he found understanding, compassion, acceptance and love. Silencing the voices he had grown to know so well. Those demons feared me and he found peace in my presence. Alas, in the end, we alone choose what voices we give power to and today I'm not sure what he hears. But I do miss being his source of peace.

As I journey on my own path, I take with me many lessons forged in that relationship and will carry those priceless gems into the next. I'll always remember the beauty of his heartfelt submission. The look of ultimate surrender with just a touch of my hand, a look in my eyes or the sound of my name upon his lips. And for that beautiful moment, the silencing of his demons.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/62786552878

Because When You Look at Me, You See Me.

Not five minutes after checking into our room, but clothes were off and flesh was pressed against flesh as we said hello to each other's body after a six week separation. The role playing and kinky fun always comes later, after we have established our foundation once again. At first the hunger for each other is too great and I know for me, I just need him close, so close.  I need to feel him, smell him and enjoy his touch and kisses once again. 

After a great dinner and then back to the room for more lustful indulgence, we basked in the afterglow and tender, intimate conversation naturally flowed from the heart and started to fill the room.

I quietly listened, being held close to him by his arms and pressed against his body. He shared the depth of his heart with me, and then ended by saying, "But the greatest reason why I love you is because when you look at me, you see me."

I was quiet at first. Just letting what he just said settle gently down on us and take root in my heart. This...This is what I wanted him to always understand. And now I was hearing it from his lips, unprompted, unrehearsed; a revelation that finally came to life inside him. A truth of our foundation. 

One of the things that attracted me to the D/s life, besides adoring submissive men, was the openness and willingness of others to be vulnerable and dare to find their true selves. To find people not afraid to go against culture, society and whatever rule book that told you as you were growing up that there was only "this" way to live, act and feel that was acceptable. 

To know that NB finally understands that I love all the ways about him, accept them, in fact, adore them, because they are all a part of what makes up 'HIM'!  And every crazy, kinky and straight way about him, fits very nicely into me! For him to know and understand that I have no desire to change ANYTHING about him! That he is accepted totally and that when I look at him, I don't see a man that is on his way to becoming the man I want, but he already is that man! The greatest gift he could give me, was that statement. That I SEE him. Naked, open, vulnerable...exposed ..and love him unconditionally. Isn't that something we all yearn for? To be truly known and loved for the totality of who we are?  No secrets. Secrets make us lonely.  At least I have found they make me lonely and I've had enough relationships in my life that left me lonely and not understood.

Life is far too short to live as others feel you should live. Everyone owes it to themselves to find that person who will look at you and truly see you. And love you unconditionally the way you are.

He knows he is loved and that she SEES him.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/56383664846/love-love-love

Understanding When His Glass is Full

NB's glass has been full for some time now. Many months. As I mentioned in a previous post, I finally realized I needed to just step back and give him lots of space. As a dominant I may have experienced that feeling a few times in my life, but not for very long. I tend to deal with things as they come along and cut out of my life the things that are trying to drag me down or steal my energy. On the other hand, NB's glass not only became full, but continually overflowing. Not a good thing. He tends to want to 'please' and ends up over committing and wearing himself thin. He's a very hard worker and equally, worrier over things. If his glass is full and overflows, anxiety and stress run him over and flatten him to the ground.

So I stepped back.... thinking it would take him some time to empty some of that stress that has filled his glass for so long. But 5 days later he's on the phone; been in touch every day and finally bought the ticket to fly to me this coming weekend as he had promised so many weeks ago. He's still a bit fragile, but I'm beginning to understand and not fear being apart from him. I'm no longer afraid to let him go and have him workout some things without me cheering him on.

We learn from each other. His submissive nature around me has a softening effect on this sometimes hard exterior. Fear of not wanting to be disappointed makes me throw my hands up and walk away when things become too much. Where NB will hang in there with his last breath. He's a dreamer, romantic and idealistic. I'm pragmatic and realistic with a sometimes 'take no prisoners' attitude. He is good for me. He makes me want to 'hang in there'. He makes me want to fight for us, where I never have before. I'd just take my marbles and go home without a word. Mumbling 'fuck you' under my breath.

Understanding the 'Glass is Full' concept has been new for me. For me the answer has always been ... just dump out the damn glass and start again. Not always wise; effective for the moment, but not always wise. You tend to miss a lot of good that could have been there also. Whereas NB needs to slowly drain it into a cloth and let the good flow through. I do admire him for that lovely quality.

I'm sure he needs more than 5 days to continue to drain out what has been burdening him, but at least he made some room for us this weekend.  It will just be the two of us. Full of lots of steamy, lusty sex, pushing limits and inflicting some much need pain on a hungry submissive. With hopefully the result of emptying his glass even more.  ;)

Maybe there really is light at the end of some dark tunnels. ;)

A Lovely Weekend of this ....

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/62786552878

And this ....

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And absolutely ... this ...!

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Sometimes He Needs to be My Only One.

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Many who follow this blog know that NB and I live in different states. It's been that way for two years now. There are multiple reasons why it is what it is, and our goal is to eventually be together in one place.  It has it's challenges and it forces us to be creative and when together, to concentrate on just us.  I have been working almost 7 days a week since April and that has taken a toll, but that is coming to an end in two weeks and I'll finally have weekends free again. That will bring another shift in our relationship. A good one. Any shift in our lives has proven interesting. And we have weathered them all.

One of the outcomes of all we have gone through and living separately in a cuckold and D/s relationship is working on communication.  D/s is the foundation of who we are together and the cuckold dynamic is a thrilling spice ingredient that drives us both. But I always remember that first and foremost we are people, with emotions, needs, desires, fears and our own insecurities.

Insecurities is what I want to speak of in this post. No matter how crazed NB can get and relish any sexual activities I experience, whether he is present or not, I know his emotions are being tossed around and I've learned how to read and know when he needs to be my only lover. I can tell by his words, whether he is drawing back or open with me. Although he would never admit it, I know when he needs to feel the strength of being my primary lover.

It's like I roll a curtain over that part of our lives and momentarily concentrate on only him. There may be conversations of Mr Snow's cock and how lovely it is, or any other lover that has been in our lives. But the difference being that I'm ending with the confirmation that it's his cock that is truly mine and I love owning it. Using it however I desire and knowing he'll never deny me any request. And that is where the D/s starts to trump all else.  He is my submissive and always will be.  I thrive on his surrender to me.  I love owning that man!

The more strength and security I can bring to NB and our relationship, the deeper is his submission to me. I need him to trust me and feel safe in the vulnerability of his surrender. It is in that strength of his that he is able to journey into uncharted places.

My goal, as his dominant, is truly to inspire him to be great in everything that lives inside him. To embrace the beauty of who he is as he sees himself reflected in my eyes, smile and touch.

Sometimes he needs to be my only one.  Sometimes, I need that also.

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Drama is Not What I Seek!

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Let me make this very LOUD and CLEAR!  I really hate drama and actually run from it and people who try to bring it into my life. Life all by it's lovely, unpredictable self brings enough drama, strife and misunderstandings every day without any aide from me. Maybe when I was young and foolish I let it influence me, but with age, hopefully, comes wisdom and I'd like to think that I've learned that peace helps me sleep better at night than the overwhelming physical repercussions of drama.

You may be asking why in the world would I choose to be in cuckold relationship with all it's emotional ups and downs?  Why?  Because it's basically built on honesty and communication. Lies, cheating behind someone's back creates drama. I'm a very pragmatic person, black & white about the things of life. Yes, passionate with the right people and partners. I love life and living it to the fullest. Which is another reason there is no room in my life for the draining qualities of drama.

Passion, yes. Intensity, pushing limits, yes! But lack of communication, hidden agendas.....No room!

I've lived a lot in my life. Experienced a lot. And know what draws me and what repels me. I'm not afraid of confrontation, but only if it is needed. Other than that, I won't waste my energy on anything I deem foolish. I love deeply and may want you passionately, but I won't fight for you. I believe in our lives being celebrated. I will celebrate you being in mine and you'll know it. And I expect to be celebrated in return. If I feel you no longer value me in your life, I will not fight to get you back. If you can't see my value on your own, then why bother.

I may mourn for a season which is healthy and needed. But I won't permanently live there. I have lost too much in the past through foolish mistakes or trying to please others. As you grow older you hopefully learn that doing what pleases you will attract those who want you near. You are authentic and will attract authentic people.

Drama is building on past hurts, emotions of pain that dig up painful memories and we find ourselves and others reacting to incidents from the past instead hearing the words of the ones now present before us.

I seek peace, wholeness, honesty and clear communication. I try each day to live fully in the present. Today will never come again. I wish to go into tomorrow whole and healthy.

I'm trying. I guess I'm just hoping others will try also.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/50181134339/msexplorer-sensual-dominant-words-to-live

Reflections, Thinking and Examining Emotions.

I seem to be in a bit of a funk and I'm taking the time to examine where I am in my life at the moment and if I'm content to continue down this path or make some changes.

I came back from a wonderful 3 1/2 days of sun, attention, loving and great sex with NB.  It was really a fabulous time and enjoying each other's company with no concrete plans in place. We concentrated on 'us' and I felt we made even more headway in the foundation of who we are together. And then I came home and my emotions crashed. Looking back it's been a long time in coming.

NB and I have been through a lot in the time we have known each other.  When we are together things are perfect, smooth and relaxing. And also very exciting. But these last few times when we have gone through long weeks of being apart, I've been starting to feel the strain on my emotions. I'm not one to over think and dwell on things I have no control over. I probably error on the side of denial, hoping things will eventually work themselves out as I think on the positive aspects of my life. But the heart has a mind of it's own and it's own time table.  Mine finally got the attention of my brain.

So I'm stepping back and giving myself a break, taking a deep breath and seeing what it is I really want out of my life. What path do I want to be on and where do I wish to be this time next year. There are many factors to consider, NB being a very big factor. But I'm not feeling excitement and very adventurous at the moment. I recognize a crossroad and I'm going to stop and ponder the signs ahead.

I'll still be here, not going anywhere. But I'm not going to being seeing Mr. Snow (as sexy and lovely as he is) or anyone else for that matter until I understand where I am and where I want to be. In fact to prove the funk I'm in, I was going to share with all of you a very kinky and thrilling time NB and I had together. So emotionally and psychologically deep and hot!  But.... decided to keep that between the two of us.

Stay with me!  Erotic sexy stories will still flow here, just based on fiction and not real life for a time.

The main thing I have always tried to get across in this blog is that we pay attention to who we are, stay authentic, don't fall into the trap of routine and doing what we think is expected of us. Stay true to who we are. We are the only ones living in our flesh and hearing the thoughts rolling around in our brains!  Always be true and good to yourself.  That is what I'm doing right now.

Love you all!

~ Vista

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Words and Actions that Show Worth.

http://sexualdestinies.tumblr.com/post/39614588779/everythingsnegotiable-moaningmistress

I always like to take the first week in January to look back over the last year, see mistakes made and where I can do better. Then get a fresh vision for the new year...goals made, but not set in stone.  I have learned over the many years that life has it's own plan and sometimes one runs against the other.  Life seems to win every time. :)  

Something I learned a long time ago and have not been very diligent about is the art of Living in the Present. It really does take a conscious effort. We may find ourselves at times either pulled back to the past or living so far in the future that we lose sight of what is in front of us today.  Especially the people that are in our lives...today. This is especially true if we are going through a struggle, emotional turmoil or have suffered a loss.  Learning from the past is necessary, as long as we understand we can't change anything about it, but let it help us in walking now-today.

So with that in mind, my resolution for the year is to be more mindful of the people that are in my life on a daily basis as they cross my path.  Especially family, friends and loved ones.  To not forget that none of us is promised tomorrow and to show each one in some way their incredible worth. 

And for that special man in my life....to find new ways to say "You are incredible, appreciated and loved."   Whether in words or actions. To not leave it to the chance that he just 'knows' that already.  

Don't say, 'you'll do tomorrow' what may need to be done or said today. :)

Tell Him....

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Show Him.....

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Hearts and Red Threads

Maybe you have notice, I know I have, that in your lifetime there are those people that seem to show up unexpectedly in your life and you know from the very first meeting that somehow they will have an impact on you and you on them.  I use to be naive enough to think that it was always a 'good' impact ... but as 'impacts' go some can leave you harmed and broken.  And maybe those have come to teach us lessons we need to learn in life. I don't know. But the majority of the people who have come into my life have blessed and enriched my life and hopefully they found the same true as far as my 'impact' on them.

Both of these images came across my Tumblr dashboard today and they both speak volumes to me. The first about the Red Thread connecting those who we are destined to meet and have them in our life.  Maybe only for a few days, maybe for months, years and for some a lifetime. Most of us can look back and point to those who have had this impact on us from the very first meeting. Some are people we go into business with, some are kindred spirits that have come to encourage and remind us of our goals and destiny.  Some become best friends, teachers, confidants and some, lovers. They are rarely forgotten.  They leave their mark on our souls.

But the best are the lovers. Hearts that are going about their daily business, unknowingly on a path that will intersect with the other, caused by that Red Thread.  And it seems immediately there is a 'knowing' about each other from the first look of the eyes or the combination of words put together in a sentence and conversations that say to your heart, "You are familiar to me."  And both hearts sense the connection. These are the connections in life with others that make life bearable in stressful and tough times.  They are the glue that holds our personal world together and gives us a reason to wake up each morning.

Celebrate those who are special gifts that are meant to enrich your life. Learn from those who may give you grief, but are still a gift nonetheless.

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