My first reaction was shock and then WTF! I kept shaking my head and wondering how he spun out so quickly. At lunch I kept reading over his text trying to understand this boy I had gotten to know recently. I wondered if we had gone through this process face to face I may have been able to see the signs that he was not able to walk out what he said he wanted. I also saw that he took down his Tumblr account...yes...he was serious about being in trouble and needing help.
Do I want to be the cause of someone's life being torn apart? Hell no. So I'm glad he knows himself well enough that he pulled back and has to reassess his life. Did I have my doubts that we would ever meet? Yes, but I was hoping to be wrong. Besides being gorgeous he is bright, articulate and sexy as hell! He would engage me in conversation and before I knew it 4 hours would be gone. To be able to do that...sexy. He surprised me and I liked being surprised. Do I wish I could talk to him and help him somehow sort his life out? Yes. But it won't happen. If what he shared is true he needs more than I can offer.
Which brings me to why I even shared the excerpt from his text above. I struggle with the term sexual addiction. My ex NB considered himself addicted and one of the reasons we aren't together is because he was afraid he would lose himself and his mind if he went all in. No matter how many times we talked about it, that I would never let that happen....it never stopped the grip fear had over his soul. Even to this day. We are still friends...but the nagging fear still wraps around him. Paralyzing him.
I struggle with the term not because I don't think it's valid but because I don't have an addictive personality. I'm not able to relate. I love sex, my lifestyle and long to share that with someone incredible again! Maybe it's because the Boy reminded me so much of NB that he drew me in quickly. Their need and hunger...raw and intense....fed me.
So.. I'm putting two questions out there to the men and boys that follow me. Especially those who have contacted me in the past. Some I've developed a sweet and endearing relationship with. And they know who they are. Please answer these questions for me. I'm really curious to hear from you. Either answer me here on the comments section or email me. But please...let's talk!
1. Am I only a fantasy to you? For many I know that's true. And I'm 'ok' with that. But if you had the chance for more would you take it?
2. Is sex an addiction for you? Or have you found a balance to enjoy what you desire and still live a responsible life?
I look forward to hearing from all of you. ;)
And to the Boy in case he comes this way again and reads this....: I truly hope you find strength, peace and balance to your life. You're a beautiful soul and I enjoyed our very brief time together. Your vulnerability and raw honesty was refreshing. Will I miss you? Yes... I already do. ;)
~ Vista
I don't even know what to think about this. So many questions!!
ReplyDeleteBut mostly, I'm sorry for your disappointment, and I'm really glad that he had the integrity to TELL you and not just disappear.
I do hope some of your readers answer your questions (though I guess their answers may still not reflect reality since it's EASY to say things, much harder to ACT on those things).
Boo, sucks :(.
*hugs*
Ferns
Thank you for the *hugs*. And yes "Boo, sucks" is right. :(
DeleteGawd...just disappearing would have been torture! That he told me what was going on with him...the integrity...a character trait I saw in him from the beginning and made me risk investing my time.
I hope my readers answer also.
EASY to say things...harder to ACT...YES. This is why those men who do ACT are so precious.
~ Vista
Strewth!
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things to say about this, but I'll stick to the essential.
1. Of course I read your writings because they touch on my fantasies and enter a very lonely place where they help me to come to terms with myself. Would I take a chance on more if it was possible? Why on earth not?
That said, the Internet is an odd place and I would expect a long period of correspondence by email, chat, and Skype (which you seem to have done) before taking the final step, assuming that it was desired by both of us.
2. Sex is not an addiction to me in the sense that I'm a fully-rounded person with interests, beliefs, commitments, work, pastimes, and rich memories, and I amount to much more than my eros. On the other hand, sex is an important part of my waking and dreaming life, and once it was gone, I would feel enormously impoverished.
This is too personal to be published under anything other than the cloak of anonymity, but I hope it helps.
I came across this the other day at the end of 'The Great Gatsby'. It's about a man, but it contains a universal human truth.
"...his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night."
Living is learning to cope with loss, again and again. Wishing you all the very best in this moment of distress.
Thank you so much for your answers and comment. It's been enlightening to read here and through the emails I've received the different takes. I intend to follow up this post with my comments on what people have graciously sent to me.
DeleteDistress? Not so much distress as just a sadness to have our communication end so abruptly. I care for that sweet adorable boy and wish him all the best.
~ Vista
This is just a test. I am trying Microsoft Explorer as a browser to see if I can add a comment.
ReplyDeleteIt worked! ;)
Delete