Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Cuckolding. The Step Child of BDSM?



I have found at times among the blogs I follow,  that the subject of Cuckolding seems to create the most judgmental discussions.  I am baffled why this is so.  It also baffles me why people bring it up as a topic and others chime in and condemn it when they have no professed experience or interest in Cuckolding.  I thought when I left the narrow minded vanilla world behind that I also left behind judgment and condemnation.

There are many aspects found in the alternative lifestyle of BDSM. Many things I don't understand, or have an interest in but I also know it doesn't matter what some people do together, whether it triggers me or makes sense in my world. My take has always been, if that is authentically who you are and you have found a person or people that feel the same... Hooray for you!  Enjoy!  Be happy!  What you do or don't do doesn't affect me one way or the other.  Just as what triggers me and those I chose to have in my life doesn't hinge on your understanding or opinion.  I can live with that.  Happily.

If you have followed this blog long enough then you know one of the reasons I started it 2 1/2 years ago was to shed some light and bring some flesh and blood to the subject of cuckolding.  Much of what is portrayed as cuckolding online is porn and fantasy. Hopefully what you have read here concerning the relationship NB and I had helped to shatter some of the misconceived ideas.

Bottom line.... Whatever wiring lives inside your sexual heart, it's about finding that counter-part partner that brings your fantasies to life.  It's the foundation between two unique people, their personalities, how they mix and what evolves out of that mixture.

The relationship that flourished with NB was built from the foundation of honesty, integrity, trust, deep intimacy and a love and respect for each other. Just as any other relationship should.  His demons played very well with mine!  ;)

Below are some other cuckold couples I follow and who are very different from what we had, yet the foundation is the same.  The men are always faithful.

http://mrsemmakelly.com/
Mrs Kelly's Playhouse - EM & Scott

http://mysexlifewithlola.com/
My Sex Life with Lola - HH & Lo

http://cuckoldletters.blogspot.com/
Cuckold Letters - Vanessa Chaland


Three very different blogs, yet all truthful and authentic to who they are as couples.

So, can we all agree that within the alternative lifestyle of BDSM, there are many thoughts and ways.  But as a people looking for freedom, can we please extend the same freedom and acceptance to others as we ask for ourselves.  If the subject of cuckolding threatens you some how.  Then you need to find out why.

For those I know who flourish in it....they know why it works for them.


h

10 comments:

  1. I don't have a problem with a power dynamic in which a dominant woman has carte blanche to have sex with whomsoever she pleases while her submissive doesn't. Nor do I judge adversely the scenario in which the submissive has to watch as his dom has as many orgasms as she pleases while he is not even allowed to masturbate (and variants thereof). It's simply enhanced tease and denial.

    I just don't like the words 'cuckolding' and 'cuckold'. Why? Because words matter. Words have all sorts of cultural and historical connotations. The word 'cuckold' has a lot of patriarchy-derived baggage going back hundreds of years, most of which is disrespectful towards submissive men.

    At its core lies the idea that the 'cuckold' is sexually inadequate, and therefore less 'masculine', less of a MAN. This plays straight into the kind of phallocentrism which is one of the central tropes of patriarchal ideology.

    As a wise dominant woman has pointed out on another blog, "...ditch the idea that submissive men can't satisfy a woman. If you can't get a woman off, the problem is between your ears, not your legs".

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    1. Thank you for commenting. I do understand about the word cuckold or cuckolding...but it's the word or words that best describe the dynamic until something else evolves. Yes, history paints what you speak of concerning the man. Today we do have the term 'hotwife' which I personally am not a fan of but my friend Lo loves thinking of herself as a 'hotwife ' and it works for them. So who am I to tell her that's wrong? It's part of the dynamic in their relationship and if it's a trigger for her and HH I'm all for it. I'm not going to try and transfer my own code of behavior onto any one else.

      To say that in cuckolding we need to ditch the idea that a submissive man can't satisfy a woman is painting a narrow picture. What do you do then with the submissive man that has a small cock that the woman can't feel? Yes he can get her off with his fingers or mouth...but he feels inadequate with his cock. Do we make him feel worse by denying him whatever pleasure he needs to find his place in the relationship because it some how puts a bad cloud over submissive men?

      Cuckolding seems to be evolving and becoming very diverse in the alternative lifestyle these days. Which is good. Couples are finding their own way and allowing the dynamic to take on it's own direction according to their individual needs.

      My point in this post has been to say let's let couples live and enjoy their own dynamic and until we come up with some other term it's all there is for now.

      ~ Vista

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  2. Many thanks for your detailed reply.

    " What do you do then with the submissive man that has a small cock that the woman can't feel? Yes he can get her off with his fingers or mouth...but he feels inadequate with his cock"

    What I would do is to suggest that he does not buy into current myths of 'masculinity'.

    There are all sorts of reasons, many of them health-related, that cause male sexual dysfunction. One of the reasons why men FEEL inadequate in this context and why so many suffer from castration anxiety, is that our culture fetishises the rampant cock, the phallus (as distinct from the penis), and sanctions or pokes fun at those who deviate from the standard narrative.

    But for many men the rampant cock is a depreciating asset after a certain age, for all sorts of physiological and neurological reasons.

    If a man chooses to cope with this by eroticising cuckoldry, and if that works for him and his partner, it's not my prerogative to pass judgement.

    But I still don't like the word and its implications. Maybe, off the top of my head, 'erotic deference' would be one way of replacing it. A bit of a mouthful, but it describes the phenomenon more accurately perhaps.

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    1. Your comments are always welcomed. :)

      ~ Vista

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  3. This is a fascinating discussion. Me and my ex husband had what could be described as a cuck relationship - he liked watching me have sex with other guys, ones with quite dominant personalities.
    Neither of us would have known it as such though; I only discovered the word three years after my divorce, when chatting with an actual cuck couple.
    The 'inadequate in bed' thing is the bit that I find interesting.
    My ex (much as I loathe him) certainly wasn't poorly endowed or inadequate sexually. And as for the cuck couple, I ended up having a threesome with them, and that particular guy was in no way inadequate either.
    He was happy to refer to himself as a cuck, seemed to have no problem with it at all, and was happy to describe how he got off on the 'mental torture' of knowing his wife was with someone else. He said something like, 'I love it and I hate it at the same time, but I love it more.'
    They were both perfectly happy to talk about it, and chatted about the whole thing in a very matter of fact way.
    Thanks for the links - will enjoy having a read of them.

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    1. Thank you for your comments! I do love hearing from others who have played in the cuckold field. ;) There is a diversity and I like how you naturally fell into what works for you without finding a trend and copying it.

      Good luck in your continued journey!

      ~ Vista

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  4. This is a very clearsighted post. "His demons played very well with mine!" I've never seen compatibility described so aptly. And when it comes to playing with cuckolding it's a necessity that the demons know and enjoy each other.
    I'm glad to have just discovered your blog.

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    1. I'm glad you discovered it also. Come by often. Enjoyed hearing from you.

      ~ Vista

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  5. I agree with you whole heartedly, the emotional hostility attached to cuckolding transends even the alt. Lifestyle community. I think that IT all stems from the Word faithful... This Word seems to mean something different to everyone, and there is a wide range of feelings and Emotions tied to this Word, from love to betrayl. Most people in this lifestyle started in the vanilla side of life, where people have very strong and different feelings towards this word. I think the Lack of acceptance of cuckolding is directly related to peoples Emotions and feelings, and their idea of what faithful means. a Lot of submissive men have a deep need for acceptance and understanding. For those of US that are emotionaly wired toward cuckolding, that is even more difficult to find.... Mark

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    1. Thank you Mark for your comments and sharing your feelings on this subject.

      Yes, "Faithful" is a word that covers many things. I used it here as the man being faithful...but also the women is still faithful to him because it's all out in the open and not behind his back. To me that is also being faithful to their agreement on how they live. ;) Good thoughts!

      ~ Vista

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