- The failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism.
I'm not sure when I became a master at this defense mechanism or why. It must have been very early in my life. When my mother suddenly died when I was 10 I had already learned how to subconsciously clothed myself in denial. That day I was sent to a neighbor's house while the ambulance carried my mother away. I played that day as if nothing had happened and didn't grieve over her loss until I was 26. I have since lost others who have been close to me and called myself a survivor after each one. Looking back over my life denial also kept me from confronting problems until they were so insurmountable they couldn't be ignored. Swift judgement would then be cast and carried out. Always surviving, so I thought.
I didn't realize my insensitivity to subtleties of a problem or my disconnect in a relationship when they were evident was the work of denial in my life. A white washing in order to not face another disappointment. Thinking that I was being generous to let people work through their issues on their own. Later I would kick myself for not being more 'present' and aware. For not being fearless to take the chance to talk through things and hopefully salvage what good was still there. I was fearless in many other areas of my life. Why not when it came to issues of my heart?
You'd think with maturity, experience and wisdom an understanding of the importance of paying attention to subtle warning signs would be acknowledged. But the problem with denial is itself DENIAL.
There's a hope when you enter a relationship. A hope that the words spoken to each other will hold up over time. That lust, passion, desire, respect and eventually love will keep hearts honest and communication open. But that is how I look at things when a foundation is being formed. Denial comes into play when the other person doesn't see things or operate according to my way of thinking. Denial sweeps away the feeling that emotions are shifting, desire is changing and denial says they are just having an off day. Give them some space. Because if things weren't working they'd tell me right? Because they want this to work also right? Because that's what I would do. Right?
Denial! A light has been cast into your dark abode! I do not have the full comprehension of how deep your tentacles have rooted in my soul. But hear me now. I am fearless and my face has been turned towards you.
Our Lives are Written on Our Soul.
~Vista~
